so yeah, this last weekend i went to WOC, pretty fun, not the most amazing thing i've ever gone to but it was pretty cool. and plus i got to play a fun game of soccer with Ben which was great. but i'm still just as much of an idiot as i was before, (yes i've been an idiot for awhile) and i'm still not faithful to my creator, and i can't figure it out. i want to so bad, i want to be faithful, i want to be able to have complete trust in Him, but.... like Paul says, what i want to do, i do not do, but what i hate, I do... it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me." everytime i sin, it always seems like, there's nothing else i want more that moment than to sin, and so i follow through in my sin, and after i have committed the sin, nothing changes, it's like i was made content by my sin, and i finally realize the consequences of my sin. but i can't get away from it, it's not me, it's not what i want to do, it's not who i am, but yet it most definately defines parts of my life. it's like.... the end of a race, when you've finished, but you didn't push all the way, and you get 16th place, 1 away from medaling, and you think, if i had only kicked with the other person in the end and finished strong, i could have got a medal. and so the next race, you run, and you don't kick again and wonder why you didn't learn from the last time. i sin, and i realize, i didn't have to, there was nothing good about it, but yet within a short time, i commit the exact same sin, and nothing changes. so is it possible that it really is satan telling me what i want and trying to control my brain? "it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me" it's a tough thought, but, just needed to write instead of getting mad at myself.
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